There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.