If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.