Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.