I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.