Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.