Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.