I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.