I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.