You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!