Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.