In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I drink to make other people more interesting.