There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.