It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?