Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.