Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.