What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.