I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.