Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?