I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.