There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.