Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.