I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.