God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.