A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!