The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.