What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.