Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.