Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.