When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.