I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.