I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.