I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!