Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.