I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.