The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.