Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.