You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?