I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.