By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

No good deed goes unpunished.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.