Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.