If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.