There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.