When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.