Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.