I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
No good deed goes unpunished.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Men are as faithful as their options.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.