Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Men are as faithful as their options.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.