If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.