If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.