There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.