I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?