When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.