Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.