Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.