Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.