It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.