I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Women are made to be loved not understood.