Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.