Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm single because I was born that way.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.