If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.