Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.