Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.