Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion