There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.