I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.