Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.