Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.