If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm single because I was born that way.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.