The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.