Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.