Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.