All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.