Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.