Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.