[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion