I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.