Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!