You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.