A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.