I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.