You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.