As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.