Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.