I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.