If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.