The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.