I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.