I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.