Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm single because I was born that way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.