Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I drink to make other people more interesting.