A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.