When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.