If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.