Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.