If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.