You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.