Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.