Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.