A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.