As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.