In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.