Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.