The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.