I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.