It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?