I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.