It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.