I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.