Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?