I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!