My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.