Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.