I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.