At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm single because I was born that way.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

No good deed goes unpunished.