May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.