Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.