I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.