Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.