I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.