No good deed goes unpunished.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.