Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.