I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.