I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.