A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.