Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money