Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.