It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!