If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.