Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.