I'm single because I was born that way.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.