Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I'm single because I was born that way.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member